Why I Believe the Women

In what is sadly very much still a man's world, it takes a lot of courage for a woman to speak out and speak up. In a world where men in power are given the benefit of the doubt while their female accusers are victimized for their courage, the crossroads of human decency beg us for a better way forward.

It has been deeply discouraging to me to watch this week as all over social media, men have been speaking out aggressively against women who have come forward with accusations of sexual misconduct and abuse. They discredit these women from the start by claiming political motivation and fame is what drives the accusers to bring forward what these observers deem, by their own ill-advised and uneducated conclusions from afar, to be baseless and smearing.

I've heard countless men, friends in my own circles and the communities to which I belong, jump right to the defense of the men being accused by seeking first and foremost to protect the would-be reputations of these accused men, without what they deem to be a proper chance for them to defend their name and their character. These people passionately claim that the accusations being brought to light are simply political tools used to smear and disrupt.

We live in a world where men are assumed innocent and women are assumed to be opportunists. To suggest the opposite is characterized as partisan and suspect.

All along the way, the women who have come forward are then "re-victimized" and character-assassinated under the assumption that they are seeking money, fame, or are motivated by politics. They can't imagine how a woman could wait so long to speak up about the sexual trauma she experienced decades earlier. By focusing on our skepticism, we then forget all about the fact that by coming forward, these women are offering to relive their past abuses in disturbing and invasive details in a very public spotlight, all the while assumed by many to be lying, cornered at every turn with notions of suspicion and uncertainty; a public spectacle where women all over the world are reminded again that the default position is disbelief and that the way forward is only after proving to a panel of powerful, middle-aged white men that her claims have worth and deserve to be taken seriously. It is the re-raping of the female dignity.

As someone who has close family members who have suffered sexual abuse and misconduct, I know for a fact that many victims of abuse can retreat into seclusion for many years before they are able to outwardly process what was done to them and to be able to seek the counsel of professionals and support of those closest to them, much less in a public setting among strangers. To suggest it to be "suspicious" that a woman would wait so long to come forward is to completely undermine and decimate the immense trauma and intense emotions that take years upon decades for victims to work through and find courage to speak up about.

As a man, I'll just say it- we men are clueless. We live in a world where our power is assumed and often times our leverage is invisible and undetectable, even by ourselves. We live a world where women are constantly sexualized and "pornagraphized" for the benefit and enjoyment of men. We unconsciously assume and live into a false narrative that women are put on earth for the enjoyment of men. We live this out in every place of our lives, not least of which are in professional and public settings where these assumptions cause real damages and make victims of people we may not even be aware are being victimized. Furthermore, we allow circumstances and assumptions to create situations where women are compromised and men assume what they expect is due to them. There is no more prevalent place that this exists than in the professional world where men in power abuse their positions and do harm to the women they encounter.

Let's break this down more simply. If your daughter came to you and told you that a boy in her school sexually abused her, would you believe her? What if your daughter accused your adult friend? What if this friend was otherwise a seemingly good and upright person? What if she accused your pastor or a male figure you deeply admired? Where would your allegiance lie? Who would you give the benefit of the doubt to? Who would have to provide more evidence to be believed?

If you believed your daughter first and foremost, what changes when it's someone else's daughter? What does that woman have to do to earn your trust and belief? What would the man accused have to do (if anything at all) for your assumption of his innocence?

One of the biggest problems I have with many male critics out there right now is that they care far too much about the man's reputation. They fear that even if there is a 10% chance the man is innocent, his whole professional life will be destroyed for being dragged through the accusations and public trial. These men claim that women can just make a claim and do damage to a man's reputation.

But where in our world has this ever been true? People who are found innocent are found so because there is substantial evidence to clear their name. In the same way, people found guilty are usually found so because of the mounting evidence against them and the substantial testimonies of those making the accusations. Is it a perfect system? Certainly not (Just look at how many people of color have been wrongfully accused countless times throughout our history without any evidence they had committed a crime; or look how many unarmed black men are shot and killed, often times for a mistake in identity. Sadly, I don't see my same Facebook friends who support these accused men speaking out against police brutality).

The reality is, the truth wins out eventually. The problem is, a woman's truth is almost never fully accepted, believed, or taken seriously until an overwhelming amount of proof has been given. Conversely, a man who admits to "grabbing women by the pussy" can amount to being elected President of the United States.

Has every single woman that has accused a man of sexual misconduct told the truth? Probably not. Have their been instances where accusers have been motivated by fame or money or political implications? Certainly. But by and large, the path a victim must walk to publicize their abuse and experiences of trauma takes far more courage and offers far less rewards than keeping silent. In fact, the biggest reward for their courage in speaking up is justice, and justice is completely unbiased and offers very little satisfaction beyond justice itself.

But again, the problem I see is that men are assumed to be victims of a smear tactic, while women are assumed to be after something more than justice.

Men, especially white men, have historically been protected from the consequences of their crimes in the history of our world. From Bill Clinton to Donald Trump, men who abuse women are allowed to keep and gain positions of power by simply discrediting and demeaning the voices of their accusers. They can offer no evidence but be assumed innocent. Or, they can even admit to wrongdoing and continue their climb up the ladder of success, even a broken ladder that they had to stand on the heads of their victims to reach. Women, who are often labeled as opportunists, rarely see justice, despite the social media outcry that suggests otherwise.

Enough is enough.

Men, we have to start listening to women who are crying out to be heard. We have to admit that all of us, even if we have not directly sexually abused someone else, have had a part in the sexualization and degradation of women in our society. We've looked at porn. We've bragged about sexual conquests. We've propped up women as objects. We've taken for granted the women in our lives. We've silenced women and kept them from opportunities they were due. We've "man-splained" something to someone. Most of all, our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, and friends have been and are still being ignored and criminalized for having the courage to speak of their experiences and live in the pain and damage caused by our ignorance and privilege.

And, lest I forget to address this, let me make another thing crystal clear- alcohol justifies NOTHING. Blaming intoxication on wrong behavior once again diminishes the voice of the woman and the damage done to her by the foolishness of the man, drunk or not. Admittedly, I've been drunk before. I've been drunk at a party. I've never sexually assaulted a woman because I was inebriated. I'm also not perfect, in case you thought I was out to prove otherwise. My point is that alcohol may limit judgment, but it does not change the core of your character. Who you are is who you are.

As our society starts to roll back the tide of men barreling through and demolishing the lives of their women counterparts, may each of us search our hearts and minds for ways that we can be better listeners and advocates for the women in our lives.

I'll leave you all with a quote I heard yesterday that completely humbled me to the core:

"When a woman says, 'this man raped me a long time ago,' we say, 'But that was in his past.' When a girl says, 'this boy raped me last night,' we say, 'But we can't wreck his future.' And there she stands, between his past and his future, with no value of her own."

It's time women were given their value. Let's start by choosing to listen and believe.