I am a Dad

When Sarah and I got married back in 2008, we went into this exciting new chapter of our lives knowing certain possibilities and expectations that would exist. We agreed to certain commitments as our family grew and Sarah’s involvement in full-time pastoral ministry continued to lead and direct us. One of those understandings, to which I was in full agreement on, was the idea of me being the stay-at-home parent as we began to have children.

I had always believed in my adult life that my role with my kids would be intimate and intentional, and in many ways I always knew that at least a chapter of my life would be dedicated to being at home with them and raising them in a full-time capacity.

While I certainly didn’t know all of the ins and outs of parenting (and probably would have run for the hills if I did), I was more than willing to jump in and do what needed to be done to support my wife, her ministry, and the ability for my children to have a parent who spends every day with them, especially while they were very young.

I remember early on there were many surprised reactions from people around us. “You’re so brave,” they would say. “What a big sacrifice,” others would add. Of course, there were also the negative comments- “How are the kids doing with mom being away all the time?” and “It must be so hard for Sarah to be away from the kids all day.” My favorite passive-aggressive comment, which I received many variations of when out running errands with the kids, was something to this effect- “Wow, looks like dad has his hands full today,” which would often be followed by the question, “Where’s mom at?”

While there are so many things that could be unpacked from all of these statements above, each response could probably take up an entire blog article by itself. Therefore, I would like to instead address a more popular, albeit unintentionally sinister, moniker. It’s a title that has been used on me many times to describe, what is apparently to many people, an absurd role for a father to take on. This moniker, as it’s affectionately known, is “Mr. Mom.”

The name “Mr. Mom” comes from a movie (of the same name) from the 1980’s starring Michael Keaton as a dad who loses his job and has to switch roles with his wife and become a stay-at-home parent. The movie looks at what it would be like for a dad to be the one at home and take on all of the responsibilities that are stereotypical to a majority of moms. It has many slap-stick, knee-jerking laughs about how ridiculous a dad can look taking on all the duties of being the primary care-taker, as well as how (supposedly) hard it is for women to survive in the workplace.

Many people I know and talk to love this film. While I myself love Michael Keaton and find moments of this film funny and light-hearted, it is also extremely offensive to both men and women. This idea that dads cannot survive being full-time parents and moms cannot survive a 40-hour work week is so damaging and short-sighted of how parenting should be and what it should entail.

When I decided to stay home with my children, I, like any other stay-at-home moms and dads, knew nothing and had to learn everything from scratch. I had no advantage or disadvantage over my spouse, and while we each have unique personality traits that influence how we interact with our children, there was no gender-bent magic ingredient that qualified either of us to be responsible for another human life.

This idea that moms are only natural caretakers and dads are only natural workers (or hunter-gatherers or providers) is actually quite an exclusively American belief, and a mostly false one at that. We have created fallbacks for both genders. Dads work hard so they don’t have to know how to change diapers or get up for 4 a.m. feedings. Moms are so interconnected emotionally with their children in a way that dads cannot possibly understand, so therefore women who work must actually be robbed of some natural connection. These are both half-truths derived from societal expectations that come from not seeing the full picture.

Yes, moms are emotionally connected to their children. Dads are too. Yes, dads work hard for their families and provide stability and financial support. Moms do too. Sure, moms are good at being selfless and getting their hands dirty to raise their children. They’ve been taught to. Sure, men can be really hands-off and distant from the intricate nuances of raising children. They’ve been permitted to.

The reality is, moms and dads have a shared responsibility to love their children, care for and nurture them, and provide for their families. These are shared roles and shared obligations. When we try to split them like an atom, marriages can suffer and relationships can explode apart.

My wife is a hard worker, probably the hardest worker I know. She also loves her children and invests time in them, playing with them, taking them to parks, and doing things moms and children enjoy doing together. For almost 6 years, I stayed home with my children to care for them and nurture them. I also worked part-time and dedicated a lot of effort into working hard in both of these roles. I wasn’t lazy and my wife wasn’t disconnected. We’ve always been a team, with different strengths and weaknesses.

“Mr. Mom” is a myth. It is an insult to dads who have committed themselves to being at home with their children and providing them stability. It is also an excuse for moms and dads to stay in designated lanes that were never intended for them.

Do you know that when a female Penguin lays their eggs, it is the male Penguin that stays with the egg to keep it warm during the harsh winters? The female goes off to hunt and gather fish to bring back and provide for the family. This is not to say that roles should be completely reversed for humans, or that there is one specific way parents should function. I'm simply suggesting that this is actually the problem. Parenting isn’t a pendulum. Instead, what examples such as Penguin-parenting demonstrate is that moms and dads have the capacity to be whatever their family requires of them, and that there is a capacity for care that goes beyond simplistic societal norms.

I am a dad. I was a dad when I stayed at home with my children, and I was still a dad when I recently went back to work full-time. I have the same gifts and skill-sets in both roles, as well as the same shortcomings. But I have the same capacity to love and care for my children, and it’s because I have made the choice to. Of course, these two roles I’ve held are very different and result in different parental influence on my children, but our level of impact in our children’s lives will always and ultimately boil down to how committed we are to being there for them.

A mom is a mom when she’s being a mom. A dad is a dad when he’s being a dad. The common ingredient is showing up, being present, and staying involved.

At the end of the movie “Mr. Mom,” Michael Keaton's character returns to work, as if he as the dad has somehow “returned to his natural habitat.” It might be the saddest ending to a film I’ve ever seen.